Six Years
by KathyBoPeep
Summary: You never know what you have until you've lost it. Would you spend the rest of your life searching for someone who doesn't exist anymore? Eventual Rizzles after some angst. Just an idea I had after reading some of the Rizzles fic prompts on Tumblr.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've never written a fanfiction other than the small drabble here and there. I don't know about update frequencies, or specific dates. I don't even know if this will be more than a one shot. I appreciate all reviews/feedback because I've never written anything before, and it's not my strongest suit. So, without further ado, I present to you: Six Years.

I don't recall the last thing I said to you, it's becoming harder and harder to remember your voice; that might be the hardest thing about today. It's been a whole year, 365 days without you, that's how long I've kept this notebook. I know Maur, you'd prefer I call it a diary but I don't want to admit to owning one so I call it my notebook; it's become my new confidant, my emotional friend with benefits of sorts. I don't really know how to explain it, but I just needed to talk to someone, but I don't want to talk to anyone at the same time. I think I'm going crazy, but there's no one left to impress or act for. Everyone stopped asking, finally, if I was okay or if I needed a shoulder to cry on.

You used to be that, but I don't even know if you're alive right now. I'm sure that Ma is on her way over here; she still has the ability to sense my discomfort miles away and make herself be known immediately. It seems that's the only constant in my life right now is sympathetic glances and awkward nods both bothersome and obnoxious; people don't even hide their pained looks from me anymore.

I should probably put on clothes, even if I think it's pointless because I never go outside unless I have a case. The world is too beautiful and full of life and it physically hurts me because it reminds me of you, as cheesy as that sounds. Good Lord, woman, what have you done to me? I'll think of you all day today, as I do every other day. I hope wherever you are, if you're anywhere at all, that you're happy and living the life you finally deserve.  
-Jay

Jane set her pen down and rubbed her hands out of their cramped state. She had been writing for an hour and it hasn't gotten any easier to use her hands this long, even if she did it daily. Writing seemed to be the only way she communicated with anyone anymore, even if she was talking to someone who didn't exist anymore. It was still nice to get her thoughts in order, if only for an hour or so every couple of days. She was tired of the constant reminders of her former happy life, so she stayed out of reality if she could.

With an audible sigh, she lifted herself off her couch, making Jo whimper at the loss of her heat source. It got harder and harder to get up now, when all she wanted to do was sleep and dream of the life she could be having. But, that was for every other day, today was for for Maura, and she was gonna do her best to maintain a semblance of sanity today because her former lover deserved nothing less than her best efforts.

Jane shook her head and padded her way through her apartment towards the bedroom. She avoided this room whenever she could; Maura's scent had long faded from the bed and her dent in the pillow was just a hollow reminder of what had been the closest to perfection Jane could have ever imagined her life being. She couldn't even bring herself to remove her alarm clock from her bedside table, even if it went off every day at 5:30 a.m., 6 a.m. on Sundays. The curtains hung with no purpose, lifeless and drab, never again parting to cast glorious light on her lover's body like a showcase, a beautiful model on display. Maura's dresses still hung in her closet, untouched unless Jane had a particularly rough night and needed something to remind her that not everything in the world was evil.

Today would be rough; it was always rough, but today would be worse. The world kept turning, and life had moved on. The world seemed to accept this without any thought otherwise. Maura was gone, not a chance of her coming back even if deep down, Jane thought that she was alive somewhere, whisked away by the Feds no doubt, never to visit her life here again. Jane still felt as if she had lost her. There was a funeral, but there was no body present, and Jane was forbidden to go down to the morgue, where she knew Maura was being "kept". Jane was a decorated Detective for a reason. She knew bullshit when it was being fed to her and she could smell it miles away. She was shut down at every turn, scorned by the brass for even asking such a disrespectful question when she knew damn well that the Government didn't give a singular shit about her life outside of BPD. She was stuck with no help and no other options but to try and search for Maura off the record whenever she could.

She sometimes thought maybe this would all be for nothing, she would find out that it really was Maura buried next to her Grandmother Isles in a private plot, marked only by the most haunting angel statue weeping towards the heavens in a private plea with the Heavens above for taking such a gentle soul so quickly.

She had been a target, everyone knew it but no one wanted to talk about it at the time. Paddy Doyle was coming around too often; they knew something was off, but no one wanted to ruin the series of visits that left Maura feeling whole, and wanted as a human. Paddy had always been a careful man, that's how he had survived this long in a world of death and despair. Until recently, he had no visible weaknesses but then his lineage came to light, and suddenly everyone knew they had discovered the Achilles heel of the man that appeared to have no weaknesses.

It physically sickened Jane to think that all it took was a dirty cop to ruin Maura Isles, a cop she had moved up the ranks with, who she had graduated with. The same cop to shake her hand when she was promoted, to even help her brother, Frankie, when he needed advice. It broke Jane's heart to think that the same force that had nurtured Jane into adulthood played a part in destroying the life of the one person on the planet who did nothing but help others, and was extremely happy to do so.

Maura had been shot at, while kneeling over a body they had been called out to investigate. It seemed like your standard drug deal gone awry: single shot to the head, laid out in an alley. Although the ME held nothing but contempt for guessing, she was even feeling a tad relieved that she could possibly have an evening off; she and Jane hadn't been on a date in weeks and they needed some time to themselves.

A "pop!" rang through the air, almost like someone had lit a firecracker, and Maura felt a liquid hot fire scorch throughout her entire side that quickly turned to ice cold pain running through her veins. She collapsed and the last thing she saw was the bright blue sky, a stark difference from dark that was slowly clouding her vision.

Sobbing could be heard off in the distance, and she felt warm lips on her forehead. She tried her hardest to open her eyes, but the darkness had succeeded in claiming her and was not about to give her back.

The Doctor was rushed to the hospital and 10 hours later, after 3 surgeries and 4 pints of blood, Maura Isles, Chief Medical examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, was pronounced dead from blood loss stemming from a single shot through the heart.

**Lemme know what you guys think! :D **


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Lemme know how you guys like this story, I'm super new to this and I love feedback. :D

"Babe...Babe, could you turn off your goddamned alarm." said a voice still full of disdain for the wretched sounds of "Soothing noises of Mother Nature" first thing in the morning.

"Eric, you know perfectly well that I hate it when you call me that. I really dislike pet names, and studies have shown that people, who use pet names in lieu of their partner's name, usually have trouble communicating their thoughts and feelings and use names to mask their frustration. I wake up every morning at 5:45 a.m. and you complain every single time it goes off. Using deductive reasoning, and a fair bit of common sense, you could ascertain that every single night you insist on sleeping over, it's going to go off at the same time the next morning" Marie huffed, turning over to glare at her bedmate in the pre-dawn light. Today was not the day to try her already dissipating patience.

Eric rolled his dark brown eyes and rolled back over to catch what precious moments of sleep he could before his pager would ring, signaling the start of his workday. Eric loved Marie, he truly did, but her little grammatical quips and slight oddities we just wearing his down to the quick. He found that the more she talked, especially in the morning, the more he just wanted to call it quits and go back to being a bachelor in Denver. She was a beauty though, and he would be lucky if he ever found someone as appealing as Marie, especially someone who understood what it was like to have the erratic schedule of a trauma surgeon, and was easily willing to work around his erratic schedule.

Marie got up with a groan, fixing her pajama top which had started twist nearly around her again, and made her way to her master bathroom. She flipped on the light and flinched, she never had gotten used to how bright it was in Colorado. There were no large buildings blocking her windows; only trees for miles. She looked in the mirror and frowned at her brown hair, and sullen expression. She hated that she couldn't recognize herself. She knew that was the point, but she still felt like she was in a an ugly shell. Her gaze went to her chest, clad in a silk camisole, and the slight scar above her heart. Normally she would just chastise herself for dwelling on a situation, but today was different; it had been a year today.

She was shot in the heart, per se. She should have died, but the bullet of the .22 rifle has lodged itself in her heart muscle, preventing any lasting damage other than an onslaught of medication she was prescribed to prevent cardiac arrest. She'd never really thought about why she was shot at the time, and the year since she'd been shot had done nothing to cool her anger towards Paddy Doyle for being so careless. Her heart would never be the same, but not because it had once housed a bullet, it would always be looking for the one, someone she would never see again.

She still got pains in her chest when she was particularly stressed or overexerted. She traced the exit wound with a frown. Wondering what _she_ would be doing today. Would she be thinking about her, or what they had? Had she forgotten about her and moved on, no doubt with someone new? Jane was not a consolation prize to be had, she was first place, and Marie had been the lucky winner. Marie brushed her fingers across her cheek - interrupting a stream of tears that had begun to spill over. The tears were less frequent now; she had almost come to terms with the cold fact that she would just never be happy again.

With a tiny sniffle and a nod of courage, Marie smiled into the mirror to try and see if she could fool herself into thinking she would be okay today. Apparently convincing enough, she stepped into the shower and tried to wash the sadness and fear off of herself. Fear was a constant these days. She was always looking behind her back, and double checking her car before getting in. She had accepted that safety was something she had taken for granted in Boston and she would give her very being to be able to feel safe; even if was only for a moment.

Marie steadied herself in the shower, not wanting to explain to the man in the next room over why she had collapsed while bathing. Leaning into the hot spray as she wept for what could have been, Marie realized that she had left a lot more than her girlfriend and friends when was whisked out of Boston, she had left her soul- her reason for being.

Marie was about to turn the shower off, realizing that she would never wash away this sense of loneliness, when she felt the curtain open. Whipping her head around, she saw Eric step in and start washing himself, without even a glance in her direction.

"You know, I do have a guest bathroom, if you'd rather some privacy" Marie said, gingerly stepping out and wrapped her shivering form with a plush towel off the rack next to her.

"Yeah babe, I know. I just love seeing you naked and wet in front of me whenever I can" Eric purred, gesturing for her to come back into the shower, swinging his hips in an almost wretched motion towards her lithe form.

Shaking her head as walked out into the bedroom; the brunette fluffed her pillows and rearranged her bedding as she liked it. She really disliked when Eric stayed over but she felt herself unable to say no when he asked. Decided that she would not be going to work today, she mulled over the fact that she had no motivation to live, no desire to do anything other than survive. She could not handle dealing with someone else's issues at the hospital she worked at, when she had so many of her own to deal with today; it just wasn't fair to the patients. She needed today to heal as many as her open emotional wounds that she could.

Grabbing her phone, she sent a quick text to her colleague to let her know that she would be taking a well-deserved personal day today and she should not be contacted, less it be dire. Uncharacteristically she flung her cover back and flopped back down into bed curling into a ball of shame and resentment for the man in her bathroom. She had given him what she had made other's work for, and they didn't even reap the benefits Eric had. Marie knew that she was using him not just for sex, but for someone to come home to…even if he did come home at all hours of the night sometimes. Cursing herself for letting a man to that to her, she vowed that after his shift today she would end their coupling; the relationship had run its course and Marie was on a mission to stop this behavior.

Today was all about changes and trying to accept her future as Marie Carlson, a Pediatrician at Rocky Mountain Children's hospital in Denver, Colorado. She loved her job; children were so full of innocence, energy, and life. Those were the three very things she was missing in her life. She loved her job, because children believed everything you said and looked at you as if you were saving the entire world for fixing their coughs. There were some days where it could be too much, a blatant reminder that she would not settle down and have children in a household that did not actually love each other. She had been raised in a house like that, and the emotional baggage that came out of that was not worth filling her maternal instinct at this point in time.

Pulling the covers over her head, Marie figured that if she played her cards right, she would be asleep by the time Eric left for work, and for the rest of the day she could be Maura Isles, if only in the sanctuary of her small, 2 bedroom house in the suburbs of Denver. It was a tiny townhouse, a stark contrast from her lavish home on Beacon Hill. She no longer cared about the thread count of sheets, or how many of her dress were in production. She had taken it all for granted, and life had taken it back.

The only reason she would make such an effort to change today, was because she couldn't keep living like this. It was days like today, that made her wish that she had really died at the hospital. It was days like this where she knew she would be okay, because she still had someone out there who loved her, even if they didn't know she was alive. It was days like this that made her remember, that Jane Rizzoli once loved her, and no one else on this planet could ever say that quite like Maura Isles.


	3. Chapter 3

Six years

Thanks for all the awesome feedback guys :D 

Jane grimaced as the brisk October wind stung her cheeks and whipped her hair all around. Pushing the wrought iron gate open, she made her way over to a bench and sat down. Looking down at her worn boots, Jane reflected back on the year she's had since Maura had died. Feeling throat tighten, she grumbled and pushed her wayward locks out of her eyes. Goddamn it was windy today. She hated being outside: the sun was too bright, the city was too loud, and every single step she took chiseled away at her stony exterior she tried so hard to keep intact.

'I'm not ready for this Maur, I can't have it be real. I still believe that you're out there somewhere. It's like I can feel it, I know it. It hurts more knowing that you're out there living and I'm not allowed to see you. What kind of life is that?' pondered the sullen Detective.

Slowly and deliberately, Jane rose from the bench and grasped the dozen roses she had let fall earlier. Shuffling towards the hill where the Isles' family plots were, she remembered visiting her with Maura years before when they had buried her father after a bout of nasty pneumonia. She recalled the tiny honey blonde shaking as they made the trek up the hill. Maura has never been particularly close with her adoptive parents, but she had always been a daddy's girl, even if daddy was gone a lot. There had been no tears until she was staring at the marker, fairly plain considering the Isles owned about 10 miles of this cemetery. It seemed almost comical, the stark differences between the spaces were.

Taking a deep breath, Jane walked up the last part of the hill, not bothering to fix her hair that was blowing wildly in the harsh wind. Everything around here seemed to still. The leaves froze midair, the birds silenced, the wind died down, the grass faded to brown, and Jane's heart stopped beating. There is was, it was hauntingly beautiful that all Jane could do was stare. Jane put her hand out to touch the black marble and jumped when she made contact with the cold surface. Here it was, in all its glory, standing 5 feet tall was an angel arms reaching out to the sky to beg the heaven's to release the owner of their mortal struggles. She looked as if she was pleading with the gods to just leave them in peace.

She'd never actually seen her marker before, at the funeral she was inconsolable and had to be escorted away before anyone had even spoke. She had spent the duration of the service, hunched over in Maura's Prius, crying into a scarf that was hanging from the rear view mirror. She still had that scarf, nestled in her kit belt. She sometimes brushed a hand against the cool silk in trying times to remind her that she did still have a reason to live, and a purpose on this planet.

Taking a respectful knee in front of the angel, Jane set the dozen roses across the base and whispered a quick greeting.

"Hi Maura- well, you're not Maura, but you are the closest I'll ever be to her again. I didn't think I would make it today, I've been having more and more trouble convincing myself that it's worth getting off the couch anymore.

I miss you. I miss you more than I've ever missed anything in my entire life Maur. I miss your smell, your voice, your intelligence, hell I even miss you chastising my choice of language. I took you for granted; I assumed you were a constant in my life. I was so...happy. I was so happy and all that I could do was complain about everything. Maur I-" Jane's voice caught as she struggled against her own tears.

She placed a kiss on the cool surface of the angel's hands and stood back. She noticed that it was a very well kept area, and a small smile graced her face when she saw that someone else had left a plush turtle off to the side. Seeing that small plush animal made Jane realize that she shouldn't be so sorrowful about what's in front of her. She knew Maura was alive somewhere, and she should be thankful that she was probably protected and happily feeding bass British Strawberries off the coast of some beach with a bottle of champagne that cost more than her cruiser.

Jane let out a tiny snorfle at the thought of Bass at the beach. She didn't know what actually became of the African Spurred Tortoise, but she assumed that Maura had begged and pleaded to keep him as a companion of sorts.

Feeling like a thousand pounds had been lifted from her, Jane turned around and made her way back down the hill to the tiny blue car that she had commandeered after the investigation had been over. Driving a Prius was just one stereotype Jade had refused to succumb to when she and Maura decided to merge their lives, but now the Detective couldn't imagine going anywhere without it. It almost felt like a family heirloom, and it was soothing to sit somewhere that Maura had sat before. She started the car, and made her way over to the highway. She had a renewed sense of purpose now, and wanted to use it before she lost it.

She needed to go to Beacon Hill; she'd been putting it off long enough. It was time for her to face her fears and visit the one place that held all of the memories she had tried to lock away. She needed to face their home, for the first time in 365 days.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thank you to all the people who have left reviews. I love you guys so much, I super appreciate every comment that is left 3

You know how some people have that once vice that leads them in life; that you can't live without, and that reminds you of home? That was Bass for Maura; who knew that an African Spurred Tortoise could mean so much to a grown woman? Bass was more than just a pet; he was a judgment free place to go when Maura needed someone to talk to. Never yelling, crying, or making a scene, Bass was the perfect confidant. That's why when the Maura was being transported to her new life, she insisted (or rather, demanded) that Bass would be coming along for the journey.

Surprisingly enough the Agent who had been in charge of Maura's transportation, Agent Clark, had no qualms with her odd request. Agent Clark was a large, burly man with skin the color of espresso beans in the morning. He never really spoke; but when he did, you had better listen. Maura never really trusted Federal Agents, especially after hearing from BPD how much they despised the crew that stole all the glory but did none of the grunt work. But, Agent Clark seemed like decent, dependable man that still remembered what it was like to be the underdog. Maura felt that maybe he'd been on the wrong end of some situations, and that was why he had been her escort, instead of working the case. Whatever his reasons were, Maura felt that she could trust in his decisions and choices.

Deciding not to dwell on the past too much, Maura arose from her couch where she had been thinking about her life and where it was going. Stopping to kneel down and touch Bass' shell, Maura spoke a few whispered thanks to the pet. Rising with a sigh, the Brunette made her way to her wardrobe which sadly no longer gave her the joy it had a year ago.

Dressing was just something she did by habit now; granted she still loved putting together outfits, but she really didn't take too much pride in her appearance. She figured it was because she didn't feel like herself with her chin length brown hair, and heavy regimen of makeup to disguise her. How could one be proud to look like someone they're not? Would Jane even find her attractive like this; she couldn't really run her fingers through her hair, or put it in the ponytail Jane has heavily hinted as being a major turn on for her. Maura thumbed through her closet, deciding what was appropriate for the brisk October weather they seemed to be having in Denver. That was the biggest change for Maura so far; it could be 90 degrees at noon, and get down to the forties by dusk.

Deciding on a red cowl neck sweater and some black dress pants, Maura checked herself in the mirror. She giggled, thinking that she looked kind of like a freckled version of Snow White, minus the dwarfs at her feet.

Pondering about what she should do on her rare day off, Maura thought of the things that reminded her of the best times with Jane. Glancing at her red shirt, it dawned on her that maybe a baseball game would be a respectful way to honor what they had, considering they always seemed to have a major life checkpoint when they attended a game. Maura grabbed her phone, and searched for a baseball game, even if it was college or high school still. It would be nice to cheer for someone, even if she had no idea who they were.

She was in luck! The Denver Rockies were set to play the Red Sox that day. Quickly selecting an option to pick up her ticket at the door Maura beamed, knowing that this must have happened for a reason. Even though she knew, that things happened because of cause and effect, it never heart to skate over than once in a while. Grabbing her key and bag, Maura headed out the door pausing to look in the mirror and remind herself that she needed to be Marie now and she needed to act like it.

"Well, looks like I'm going to a baseball game." Marie declared to herself squaring her shoulder and turning towards the door "I'm going to have a good time, and no one is gonna stop me"

Making her way to Coors Field, Marie flipped through the radio stations. All they played these days was that womp womp music that sounded like a tabletop nebulizer, and degrading hip hop. Thinking of what Jane liked to listen to, Marie flipped it to the 80's rock station. As the first few chords of "American Pie" by Don Mclean started to play, she allowed herself to be lulled into a memory while driving on the highway.

"Hey Maura, why do you always make me listen to music twice?" Jane has asked with a confused look on her face, "I mean, I know that you like music, but do you really need to hear it twice in a row?

Maura has just smiled and put her hand over Jane's, scooting closer on the loveseat another Rizzoli Sunday dinner "I like to hear a song, make an assessment on what it means, and then listen to it once more just to solidify my theory and interpretation of the piece."

"Well Maur, I can assure you that 'Rocketman' is really just a song about a guy being lonely in space"

"I also concluded the same thing, but that's the wonderful thing about art, it means something different to everyone" the M.E. quipped and snuggled further into Jane's embrace.

"Only you could make something like Elton John sound like complicate haute couture. I know that I complain when you explain things to me Maur, but I really love watching how your eyes light up, and you get all excited because you've got a gift of knowledge to give me" Jane purred into Maura's ear causing Maura's heart to flutter and her face to flush. These were the moment she lived for.

Snapping back to reality, Marie accelerated through the intersection and pulled into the parking area for the game. Maura knew the social faux pas she would create wearing red on the Rockies side, so she decided to wait until the game started and make her way over to the Boston side.

Halfway through the game, Marie had no idea what the score was but she was having the greatest time! The couple next to her had matching Sox jerseys on that said "I'm hers" & "I'm his" and Marie thought it was the cutest thing. Wishing she had someone to share something like that wish, she thought of Eric and sighed. She needed to break up with him; she couldn't keep stringing him along, it wasn't fair to him. She would deal with that later, for now this moment, this was about honoring Jane.

'Oh my God, Jane's probably watching this game' Marie thought, searching for the cameras around the stadium. If Jane saw her alive, she knew that there would be no force on Earth to keep Jane from making a huge scene. Feeling like her presence here was skirting the line too closely; Marie stood up and made her way out of the stadium.

Feeling rather homesick and uneasy being outside, Marie decided to drive home and brainstorm how to let Eric down nicely. Getting into her car, she wished she'd had her Prius with her. She had gotten her best thinking done it that car; it was so quiet and easy to drive. The Feds had insisted on getting a much different vehicle so they'd stuck her with a Ford Edge. She felt cumbersome, like she would get swallowed up in this oversized oaf of a car.

Pulling into her driveway, Marie realized that she had no recollection of driving home and barely had any deep thinking to show for it. She needed to fail; she needed to do something that she told herself that she wouldn't do, that she shouldn't do.

She needed to see Jane.

Deciding that wasn't really an option, Marie unlocked the 3 locks on her door and typed in her code. When Agent Clark asked Marie what she wanted her pin to be, he didn't realize that she'd pick the most obvious answer, Jane's birthday. Looking back on that choice, she realized it would be kind of easy for someone she knew to break in if that's all it depended on.

Shaking slightly after that rush of emotion, Maura (now that she was comfortable in her own home) grabbed her laptop, and booted it up thinking maybe she could cheer herself up. Agent Clark had warned her not to go anywhere suspicious that could lead people to her but Maura was having none of it. Thinking that it would be best to be anonymous, she logged into an anonymous proxy and went to /BPD, a video storage site for the Boston Police Department. It was all public speaking and press conferences, and it was all public domain, but Maura figured that it would be better if she still took that extra precaution.

Typing "Rizzoli" into the search bar, the site auto suggested:

"Rizzoli, Francesco

Rizzoli, Jane C

and Rizzoli, Angela"

Deciding that she wasn't quite ready, Maura clicked on Angela, thinking maybe the face of her former motherly figure would help ease her into this. A video came up, a commercial for the division one cafe. Angela looked considerably older, even though it had only been a year since Maura had seen her. She looked happy to be honest and that kind of stung Maura. She realized that it was selfish, but it really hurt to see someone so detrimental to her life be so okay when she wasn't there.

Deciding that she was ready, Maura clicked on Jane's name and the first thing to pop up was the press conference after Maura's funeral. It was heartbreaking, just as Maura was about to play it, her front door burst open and Eric stormed in looking like he had seen better days.

"Marie, I'm glad you're home, do we have any scotch? I'm fucking irritated and I wanna go numb as soon as I can" Lamented the Doctor, plopping on Marie's couch and putting his shoe clad feet on her table, disregarding anything in his way.

It was the little things that made her more and more upset these days, walking over to the sulking man, Marie picked up his feet and guided them off of the table and onto the floor.

"Eric, we need to talk; I'm not happy. I can't justify this right now, but I don't think we are working out" she said, avoiding any eye contact with the man in front of her.

"I, uh" said Eric, his face contorting into something more than just anger. The Doctor looked like he was capable of things far worse than Marie had imagined. "You don't get to fucking do this Marie. You don't get to fuck me, and then leave me. I made it per-fec-ly clear in the beginning that I don't do booty calls; I don't do one night stands. I am a relationship type of man, and I don't get fucking jerked around like a playboy, especially from women like you."

"Women like ME?" Marie was fuming; she had to diffuse her anger before she said something she regretted. Sighing softly, she muttered "Eric, I think you should just go. I just need time to myself, please.

Turning towards the door, Eric stomped towards the entrance quickly spinning on one foot, pointing his finger in Marie's face

"Mark my words, Marie Carlson. You will NEVER find another man like me, I hope you know that"

With those words he stormed out, slamming the door so hard it send a picture frame to the floor.

"Maura Isles, I'M MAURA ISLES" screamed the doctor, picking up the pieces of glass off the floor that seemed like a haunting display of how her life was right now.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you to everyone who has left feedback, I luff you guys  
Also, I wrote this on my phone so if it's bad, I apologize. ;D

Tiny little snow flurries drifted like powdered sugar over the windshield of the Prius where Jane sat at the train tracks bouncing her knee nervously. She felt her chest heaving as her heartbeats became erratic. It had been a year since she had gone to their home on Beacon Hill. Maura had insisted that they move into there when Jane's lease was up on her shitty little apartment. Jane saw no reason to disagree, who wouldn't want to fall asleep next to Maura Isles at night?

Since then, Jane had found out that her "shitty little apartment" had been turned into a condo and luckily was on the market. Jane had wiped out all of her savings and all of belongings had been sold to pay for her condo. She remembered eating ramen and Jell-o for weeks because she didn't want to let anyone know she was hurting; it was a time for Jane, and she would never forget the struggles and the sacrifices she has made in order to get her life back to a stable place. As the caboose finally made it way past the Prius, Jane realized that she would be hitting "play" on a life that she had paused a year ago; it was a terrifying, but liberating, thought.

She pulled up and parked on the street, staring at the large house that was home to more than just possessions. Jane exited the vehicle and made her way up the walk, pausing at the front door. The Detective grabbed her keys with trembling hands trying to unlock the front door. After numerous attempts she shakily pushed on the heavy wooden door as it creaked open with a groan.

"One, Two, Three", Jane's breathing was steady as she walked into her former home and stood in the foyer, turning circles to take it all in.

It hurt, a lot. It was exactly the same as she remembered it: the couch was still mussed from falling asleep on it after a hard day. The cabinets were still stocked with their dishes, their cheesy love notes still hung on the fridge and Jane's heart shattered when she read the one Maura had left her the night before the accident; the last night that Jane had seen her.

Jay,

I will probably be working late tonight, as I have an abundance of paperwork to finish. There's some of your mother's gnocchi in the refrigerator and a fresh 6-pack in the crisper. I love you pretty girl, and I'll try not to wake you when I come home.

Oh, and you look so adorable when you're sleeping, just to let you know.

:),

Maura 3

Jane swiped angrily at the tears cascading down her face. She couldn't do this, it was too soon and too damned hard. Turning around on her heel she marched out of the kitchen and into the living room, plopping on the couch that had seen many troubled days.

Stroking a throw pillow out of habit, the Detective took a moment just to breathe and have a look around. Mustering up some motivation Jane made her way slowly towards Maura's, no- their bedroom, avoiding the windows to prevent Angela from seeing her. The last thing she needed was her mother poking at her hip bones telling her that she needed to eat more.

Jane had always wondered why her mother never left. Maura had left Angela the house in her will, with the expenses paid for a considerable amount of years, but Angela had looked at Maura as her daughter, as family. So, why would she choose to stay in the guesthouse of a family that has been broken?  
Having avoided all the windows, and making her way up all the stairs to the top floor, Jane stood in front of their bedroom door and sighed; this was going to difficult. Reaching into her purse, she felt the orange bottle that held her emotions in check when she simply could not and the pain had become too much. Relying on medication hurt Jane because she felt as if she was stooping out of a problem that she could fix. But the brass wouldn't give her shield back to her unless she agreed to see a therapist and take her medication. So, for her sanity and her peace of mind, literally, she finally agreed. She hadn't taken them in quite a while, but sometimes just to know that they were there helped a bunch.

Jane opened the door and looked around the familiar room. She plopped on the plush bedding and stared at the ceiling. She had loved sleeping in here and suddenly missed the feel of a warm body next to her. Curling up into a ball, Jane rolled over and stared at the empty space on the bed next to her, truly feeling alone in this big, great house.

Spotting Maura's former craft idea, Jane scooted over to the other side of the bed and picked up the scrapbook Maura had been making. Hugging the cloth covered book to her chest, Jane finally let go and wept for what had once been. Eventually she cried herself to sleep, only comforted by laying her head on her lover's pillow pretending that she was actually there.

Jane awoke to the sound of her phone vibrating from the floor where it must have fallen while she was sleeping  
"Rizzoli"

Frost's too cheery tone burst through the line "Jane! I know that you're off today but we found a body and need your help, Korsak is stuck on the turnpike and traffic is nuts. But, meet me at the station okay"  
"Uh, okay, why the station? I can meet you there if it's easier, I know that you don't like to move bodies with your fragile stomach" Jake jabbed at the fellow detective, knowing that he already probably embarrassed himself.

"Just meet me at the station Jane. Please just listen to me for once"

"Okay, I'll meet you there in a half hour"

"Why a half hour, you live like 5 minutes from here?" Frost asked impatiently

"Because I'm at our house, the house Frost, I'll be a little bit" Jane snapped, cursing herself for losing her cool with her partner

"Oh, I see. Well, come in whenever you can. I'm not in a hurry, I'm just as asshole; I forgot what today was. See you soon Jane." Frosts voice tapered off as Jane ended the call. Great, all that she needed was to have another pity party thrown for her.

Stepping into the precinct, Jane out of habit tried walking towards the morgue, cursing herself when she'd realized what she'd done. Playing like she meant to hit the down arrow on the elevator, she nonchalantly brushed the up arrow hoping no one saw her faux pas.

Finally arriving at her destination Jane saw Frost talking hurriedly to Cavanaugh, motioning like a crazy man. When he saw Jane, he quit flailing and ran outside of BRIC, grabbing Jane's arm without thinking.

"Jane, I'm so sorry I forgo-"

"It's okay Frost, forget about its; its just another day in paradise" Jane cut in, not wanting anyone to say what her heart had been yelling all day.

"Well, I got Cavanaugh to let us give this to Vice, looks like a drug ring we are not prepared to delve into. Single GSW through the head, Vice will take care of it. Why don't you see if your mother is in the cafe? She's been bugging everyone around here; asking if we've seen you and trying to get us to bring you lunch." Frost muttered looking guilty "Plus, Korsak had made it very clear that we aren't supposed to ask too much of you today, I just forgot"

Shooting Jane a sheepish smile, Frost walked back into BRIC and shut the door. Why was everyone walking on eggshells? She knew it had been a year but damn, she didn't need a psych session where she worked! Frustrated as sin, she pushed her way out of the squadroom and ran down the stairs, not breathing until she burst outside and reminded herself that Maura was alive somewhere, and there were people on this planet that still cared about the stubborn, cranky, crass detective; two reasons that Jane should be celebrating, not getting angry about.

With a swagger in her walk, Jane made her way to The Dirty Robber thinking that kicking back a few would make this day much better and that maybe she'd eat some kale as a peace offering towards the thought of Maura. Maybe.

As Jane pushed open the door to the Robber, she felt a slight shiver make its way up her spine. It was gonna be hard to move on with her life, so why shouldn't she start here with the help of Mr. Daniels. Sitting at the bar, Jane ordered a beer and her first shot. Glancing around she recalled all the times her and Maura had been here and she smiled. She actually smiled so hard that her cheeks were protesting. She was Jane Clementine Rizzoli and she had loved and been loved by Maura Dorthea Isles and not a single person on this fucking planet could say the same. It was a wonderful epiphany.

Jane let the vile liquid make its way down her throat and sighed with relief. After 4 shots and 2 beers, Jane felt human again. She felt alive and wanted to feel love again. She paid her tab with a large tip she couldn't afford and sat outside the Robber on the curb watching cars drive by into the dusky sunset. 'I need to live again, I need to find Maura. Dwelling on my problems is only gonna make it worse. I should go home and start my search again' thought the very inebriated brunette.

Staggering towards Maura's house, quite a few blocks later, Jane fumbled to find which house key opened the front door. Becoming increasingly frustrated over her lack of sobriety and coordination, Jane let out a sob thar shook her to the core. Like a bat out of hell, Angela Rizzoli darted out of the guesthouse and ran towards her drunked daughter, slumped into a heaving ball at the foot of the stairs.

"I can't do it Ma, I've tried for 365 fucking days to bring her back! I KNOW SHE'S NOT DEAD! I know she's not...I know she's not" Jane cried into her mother's shoulder, grateful for once that Angela always hovered close by.

"Oh my Janie, my poor baby girl" Angela mumbled into her heaving daughter's wild mane of hair. "If you truly think that she's alive, I'll help you in every way that I can, but you need to talk to me, to your family. We love you and miss you and we will help you find your love until the end of time, just don't forget about us again"

Jane looked up with tear stained eyes and in her intoxicated state, she could still see the love in her mother's eyes and she knew that no matter what happened, she had a team of Rizzolis behind her and Rizzolis always had each other's back, always.


	6. Chapter 6

"So Lola, how are we feeling today" Dr. Carlson asked cringing when she used the term "we" that she had heard Jane complain about when she was dating Dr. Slucky.

"I'm feeling good Dr. Carlson, I stopped throwing up and I don't hafta sleep in the bathroom anymore!" the tiny child exclaimed, bouncing up and down on her table. This child had captured her heart with her big brown eyes full of mischief and her gap-toothed smile that turned into a smirk every time her parents chastised her for being naughty. She reminded her of her sarcastic Detective that she knew all too well, would certainly be in cahoots with this little tornado in no time!

"I'm glad you're feeling better Lola; where's your mother? You're all done here, and I don't think that you want to stay in this room any longer" Marie inquired, silently giving her little charge a sugar-free sucker for being such a trooper these past few weeks. Lola, who could barely sit still, found out that she was allergic to wheat the same day that she also found out that the Happy Sakura on their block was no up to par when it came to food safety.

"Jeremy's learnin how ta poop in the big potty, so whenever he makes that weird face like he's pushing a watermelon, Ma runs with him to the ladies' room. I don't if she know it or not, but the only reason he won't go when we're not home is that Ma always takes him into the wrong bathroom; he wants to go potty like a big boy, but how can he with a bunch of icky girls around?" Lola deadpanned while snuggling into the comfy recliner in Exam 1 of the children's hospital.

"Dr. C, you don't look very happy? What's wrong, do you have to poop? the little patient said looking at the Doctor with a knowing smile.

"Not darling, it's just an off day. I had to move away from a friend a few years ago, 4 years to be exact, and I just miss them. Maura said, not wanting to divulge too much information to a patient. "It was a long time ago though, and I probably should forget about her"

"Wow Doc, she seems like special lady. We you guys married? My Ma and Pa were married and all they did was yell and break stuff. You don't seem like the kind of lady to yell though" Lola said winking at Marie, and cocking her eyebrow.

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, Marie just smiled and looked down. Good Lord this child was a spitting image of the woman she loved. Why was today so hard for her? She had spent 4 (unsuccessful) years trying to eventually move on from her former life. There wasn't much she could do about it. The feds still insisted that she was in danger and still needed to stay away from the limelight.

"You know what Lola, let's go find your mother and Jeremy, I don't feel so well and you know what that feels like" the doctor said, ushering the little firecracker out of the room and into the lobby. It was time for Marie to move on, and she had just the idea how.

Placing her laptop on her bed, Maura took a few moments to collect her thoughts. Was she really ready to take a step like this? It seemed sadly ironic that the honey blonde was going to have to resort to online dating in a new town where no one knew her, just so she could be anonymous. She really just wanted someone to love her for her brains and quirks, not her money or looks.

After some searching and looking at reviews, Maura decided that seemed like a reputable website that catered to women in her genre. Trying to think of a screen name that suited her, without sounding juvenile or silly, Maura brought her pen to her mouth. Pondering her choices she decided on "TheFormerMe" hoping that everyone would assume that she was talking about her former self, and not her profession. She moved her location to Denver, and when asked what her label was (even though she did NOT like labels herself) Maura clicked the boxes for "lipstick" and "femme" hoping that was an accurate representation. She didn't have many photos of her, so she just put Caduceus hoping that someone would understand her intention.

Scrolling through the public profiles, Maura chewed on her pen nervously. Taking notes on the available choices, the Doctor found no one that sparked her interest. Of all of the single participants-she wasn't interested in more than one woman at a time- , most of them just wanted sex, and the ones that didn't want just sex, seemed to be in a committed relationship with marijuana first and foremost. With a sigh, Maura went to shut her computer when the craziest idea struck her.

Deciding to change her location to Suffolk County, Maura decided that maybe she could just take a peek. She'd spent 4 years pining after a woman, she deserved a peek. Every single day for 4 years, that's 1461 days and 5844 hours thinking about a woman that she could not have, could not hold, could not love, could not kiss, and could not make love to. She had been deprived all of these things because of people she had no contact with. All this sudden rage building up made Maura feel crazy, feel alive, feel…daring.

Fueled by desire, rage, and a bit too much wine, Maura grabbed her phone and dialed a number she had recited to herself, swearing when her shaking fingers fumbled with the sensitive touch screen.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

"Rin-"

"Rizzoli"


	7. Chapter 7

A/N:

It may be angsty now, but it will get better I promise :D

Hearing staccato breathing on her phone not only confused the Detective at 1 a.m., it left Jane feeling paranoid. Double checking the locks on her apartment door and glancing out her windows, the Detective was on high alert. She was used to idle threats and the occasional creep but today of all days; the 4 year mark of the day her happiness, her heart, her strength, her goddamned soul mate was taken from her. BPD was holding a moment of silence at 2p.m. tomorrow, well…later today to honor the fallen M.E.

Jane knew, she fucking knew that her love was alive. She could feel it; she just knew it, the connection between them was not severed, just compromised; she would not give up hope. She had been stealing moments to find Maura; using her lunch breaks. So far she had nothing.

Her Ma had been trying too, but Frankie was still apprehensive thinking that Jane was just off her rocker and just refused to admit defeat. The detective gripped her phone that had rung only minutes before and sighed. She didn't even realize that there were one-way numbers. She had called the number back 15 times and every time she got the message saying the number had been disconnected.

Angela had been sneaking Jane notes like a middle school girl asking a boy to a dance. She found them in her drawer at work, she found them in her cruiser, and her Ma would try to act nonchalant and slip them to her when she got her coffee in the morning. Jane knew she meant it in good faith, but really it was just annoying to get 200 notes all about how she was trying to get Cavanaugh to tell her where Maura was.

Jane sighed and flopped down on her bed, knowing that she had at least 5 hours of sleep ahead of her and she needed to try to get to sleep but one thought lingered in her mind. Jane was not the type of girl to succumb to physical needs; she was the queen of mind vs. matter. But, it had been quite a while, and Jane was starting to have desires that she was fighting a battle to control. It's not like she hadn't gone this long without sex before, but it more that Jane was losing her self-assurance. Going that long without and love or intimacy made the Detective feel like she was becoming unlovable, and maybe just not meant to be happy.

It's not like she had tried to do it herself, it was too painful because every time her hand wandered south, she thought of Maura and all the times they had danced to this very beat. It was almost morbid how much Jane thought of the woman that had stolen her heart 4 years ago. She wanted to forget so she could breathe again, but she didn't want to forget because they shared so much that if she forgot she would simply cease to exist. Why would she want to forget the very life that she was fighting tooth and fucking nail to keep together?

She needed to try and distance herself for just one night. One night was all she needed right? She needed to just pause her thoughts and then go back to life with a renewed sense of purpose. Jane needed to just not be Jane for one night, and she would resume her life in the morning. Vacationing was not the most healthy form of coping but it was either than or Jane would start warming up the idea of receding from life.

Jumping out of bed, and throwing on some clothes that were scattered on the floor, Jane flew out the door, feeling like she was doing something bad as a rebellious teenager. Jane made her way to the Robber, hoping they hadn't closed for the night. Arriving at 1:45 a.m. Jane casually looked around until she found a beat cop looking like he'd seen better days. Walking up casually, the Detective clapped the man on the back.

"Hey, J-Jackson. Having a bad night?" Jane said, scoping out the nametag on the officer who was still in uniform.

"Hey,Rizzoli! Yeah, my girlfriend decided that I was a loser with no future...so she shacked up with my brother...in my house...and bed."

.

"Dude that fuckin sucks, if it helps mine left 4 years ago without a goodbye" Jane muttered, hoping that the new officer hadn't made the connection. "All I'm looking for is to drink far too much and do things I'm ashamed of, only to continue on in the morning like nothing ever happened. You down?

Jackson looked at the Detective with an unbelieving glance. Everyone was scared of Rizzoli, she was the Ice Queen, and no one fucked with her. Slowly nodding, the tipsy man stood up swaying on his feet and made a halfhearted attempt at grabbing Jane around the waist, before she scooted him over her shoulder and together they made their way out.

"HEY, IT'S CLOSING TIME, GET OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID KIDS" a sinister voice yelled, pounding on the door to the room that Jane had passed out in.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Fuck.

What had she done? Looking at her watch, she saw that it was 4 a.m. in the nasty bar she and Jackson had stumbled upon. Feeling around in the dark, Jane grabbed what seemed to be a shirt and her slacks from the night before. She made her way out of the men's room door and sighed looking at the dump she had allowed herself to be taken to. She never factored in how fucking guilty she would feel afterwards. She just wanted someone to appreciate her in the way that Maura used to. She was disgusting; she let a man touch her in ways she made people fight for.

Jane checked the street signs and wondered how the hell they got so far out of town. Grabbing a Taxi, Jane looked at her shoes the entire ride home, cursing herself for being so easy. This was not who Jane wanted to become; she had let herself down, big time. If she ever saw Maura again, she would hate what Jane had done. 'I'm such a disgusting fucking coward' Jane despised herself in this moment. Then, she had the most disturbing disgusting thought.

She was going to have to attend a service honoring Maura with another man's DNA inside her. How disrespectful could she get? All she wanted was to feel something and instead of worthy, she felt like a sack of shit that deserved everything that had happened to her .


	8. Chapter 8

A/N Thank you all for your alerts & reviews; I love them even if they're negative!

When Maura awoke, she was laying on her phone with her laptop still open. Judging by the battery life, she'd been asleep for approximately 4 hours. Looking at her clock, she confirmed that it was indeed 3:30 a.m.

Letting her curiosity get the best of her, Maura plugged in her laptop and woke it up causing the first page to freeze for a little bit; she was still logged in on . Scrolling through the Boston area listings, the Doctor felt ashamed for taking such a devious and intrusive route to see how her soul mate was up to in her life. It had been 4 years and the Feds still warned Maura that it was dangerous to go back, even if there hadn't been any of the Irish Mob activity since Maura had left Boston so long ago.

She made a mental note to call Agent Clark in the morning; she wanted to know what was going on. They hadn't spoken in almost 6 months and that worried Maura to no end. Sliding off the bed, the brunette made her way into her living room. She sat down on her couch, and felt Bass crawl past her foot. Patting him on the shell, Maura fell back into a terrible sleep with her hand on the only thing in life that hadn't let her down. Bass snuggled into his owner, she was his world and he loved her more than life itself.

Squinting into the harsh daylight, Maura Isles felt like she had been run over by a semi. She had a rare day off today, and by golly she was going to make use of it. No longer would she dwell on a day that happened so long ago because today she was taking her god forsaken life back.

She had an appointment at the salon the 3rd Sunday of every month in order to maintain her dark locks without any roots showing to prove that she was not a natural brunette. Maybe she would be daring today and shave her head! Probably not, but the idea that she no longer gave a flying shit (with a nod to Tommy Rizzoli who had taught her that quip) what anyone else wanted her to do. She had heard the voice of the woman she had pined over for 3 years, dated for 2, and then was taken from for 4. Those weren't numbers for someone of the faint hearted; those were numbers for the woman that was going to back and defy the government for the woman that she was made to love.

Changing into her best black dress, and her favorite Louboutins, Maura Isles was making a comeback. She felt so sexy and alive looking at herself in her full length mirror. She was a beautiful woman by society's standards, but she felt so ugly with hair that did not match her; she had made her decision.

Walking into Luxe Salon, Marie Carlson met with her favorite hair designer Raul. Winking at him seductively, Marie slinked up to him and threw a delicate hand over her blushing cheeks. She loved putting on this show for a man that had a husband and 3 kids at home; it made them both comfortable.

"MA-RIE?! Look at you all dark and sexy! I'm legit dying over those shoes; are those real?" Raul said winking at the woman smiling in front of him. He loved seeing her; she was one of the only women who came into this Salon with a personality. He had missed that feisty attitude of hers in between visits, and he could tell that he was in for a surprise based upon her look of barely contained excitement.

"I know!" Marie exclaimed, "I feel so good! I have a request that only you can accomplish; I want to lighten up a bit!" pulling her phone out and showing him a photo of a Dr. Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts." I want to have hair about her color and cut, even though my hair is just about the same length as hers."

"Girl do you have a twin; 'cause she looks just like you? Sure, I'd be delighted to do so, may I ask why?"

"No, she's not my twin; she's someone I knew from a long time ago. I just want a change; I'm going to burst out of here a whole different person, Raul. I feel so empowered right now!" Marie exclaimed, her enthusiasm was contagious and soon enough she found herself under a heating chair, thumbing through magazines left on the table next to her. Thumbing through an old issue of "Cosmo" Marie saw the term "Badge Bunny" and it made her laugh at a memory she had of Jane.

"Maura I can't believe you turned down Dr. Hotstuff!" Jane exclaimed, throwing her hands into the air like a true Italian. "He's hot and loaded, he's perfect for you!"

"Jane, Doctor Haustneuf is a renowned physician but I just don't think of him as that way. I'm not quite enthralled by the medical profession; I guess I'm just not impressed by the career path. I'm more oh, what did Frankie call them? Oh, a Badger Rabbit. No, that's wrong" Maura frowned.

"Are you thinking of Badge Bunny, Maur? You like that thin blue line?" Jane said seductively, grabbing Maura by the waist and pushing their hips together. Swirling her tongue across her bottom teeth Jane looked Maura in the eyes and muttered "We're not all that great, Doc. We work at all hours of the night, we usually smell from chasing perps, and we're usually arrogant assholes."

Obviously flushing Jane moved away from Maura smirking down at her blushing friend. Seeing that she was becoming uncomfortable with her insisting on dating Dr. Hotstuff, Jane decided to give it a rest and her M.E. calm down a little bit. Not being able to resist one last remark Jane shot out "But if you were a Badge Bunny Maur, I wouldn't be sad"

Smiling at the memory, Marie realized that it was in the one singular moment she realized the she was head over Choos in love with Jane Clementine Rizzoli and there was nothing she could do (or wanted to do) about it.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N Hopefully this chapter makes you guys hate Jane a liittttle bit less. Just a little bit though :D

Very rarely did the Boston Police Department get together all at once. To be honest, the last time Frankie could remember all of BPD in one place was the day Marino went nuts and Jane shot herself. Not like Frankie could remember much about that day, but he knew that there were only 2 officers not at that warehouse, and boy had it burned them in the ass.

But, if there was anyone that could rally the boisterous collection of people, it was Maura Isles. Today was the ceremony honoring her life and service and Frankie had never seen so many cops in their blues than he did right now.

The moment of silence was scheduled to begin in 3 minutes and the blue line was forming around the Angel that marked where the M.E. was buried. Frankie knew that Maura had passed away that day; he had been in charge of moving the body and guarding her room. He remembered, very vividly, hearing his sister scream and shout to no one in particular that she didn't deserve to be taken from this world, and Frankie could do nothing but agree.

Focusing on the task at hand, the Detective shoved his hands into this blues and stared at his sister, struggling to maintain her composure. She looked gaunt, and her eyes were tinted pink with dark purple rings underneath. If Maura had been here, she would have chastised Jane for not sleeping enough, but to be frank, haha we was always Frank, how could she? Frankie hadn't slept soundly in 4 years, and he knew his Ma hadn't either; so how could he expect something out of this heartbroken sister something that he could not do as well.

Walking towards Jane and Korsak, Frankie put his arm around his fragile sibling and held her close to him. He knew she didn't believe that Maura was dead but this still had to hard for her. Everyone at BPD loved the two of them as they gave all of them hope that they would find someone in life willing to love even them.

Frankie chuckled when someone had called Maura Doc Rizzo for the first time and in turn calling Jane Detective Death. Maura had taken a second to think about and had burst into the most beautiful smile Frankie had ever seen, he knew that she had been elated to get this large blessing from Jane's brothers in blue. His sister had not been amused, but he would never tell a soul that he caught her sketching the phrase "Dr. & Det. Death" on her notepad.

"Hey Frankie" Jane said quietly in the most heartbreaking voice, snapping Frankie out of his memory, "Thank you for being here, and thank for doing all this for me. I mean, you took Jo into your care, you moved in with Ma so she could stand living in Maura's house, and you took the time out of your day to stop in and see if I'm doing okay. I know you try to be sly brother, but I can read you a mile away" Jane said, a baby smile gracing her face in light of this tragic day. "I have to tell you something, and I need you to just listen and understand please"

"Okay Jane, you're okay right?" Frankie asked with wide eyes. His sister never confided in him, so it must be weighing down on her a lot to offer to divulge any info to him.

"See Jackson over there, the scrawny little fuck that looks like he got hit by a truck?"

Frankie nodded and looked at Jane, confused as to why she cared about a rookie beat cop.

"I fucked him last night in the Morton's bathroom at like 2am and I don't remember most of it. I don't think he remembers it at all, he was so sloppy drunk he could barely walk. I'm the fucking shittiest person on the planet, I don't deserve to even think of Maura right now; I practically cheated on her" Jane said, hanging her head in defeat and staring intently at her scuffed black shoes she only wore with her dress blues.

"Ah Janie, what the fuck did you do that for?" Frankie asked quietly, shaking his head at his big sister. He actually understood her reasons that she didn't understand quite yet, but if he hadn't even at least pretended to scold her, she would retreat back into her shell and internalize this like she does with everything else.

"I just need to feel something Frankie, I needed to remind myself that I am a woman who can be sexy if I want to; mostly I just wanted to feel wanted. I know it's shallow and stupid; I think I've more than paid for it, but I just wanted to control something in my life."

"Did you at least use protection? Not that I don't trust him, but if you ever-"

"I went to CVS today and got the pill; I know I'm notorious for being against those types of methods, but I've never been in that situation. I was scared for a minute and actually thinking of the repercussions of my actions. Frankie, what did I do? What if I had gotten pregnant? I wouldn't be able to live with myself"

Jane quietly sobbed into her brother's shoulder as he put his arm around her, pulling her in tight. They sat that way for a bit as the trumpets sounded, marking the moment of silence. Jane raised her head looking at the group that had gathered.

Seeing 400+ people all in one group, all here to support the love of her life and to pay tribute to someone they didn't even know that well, brought Jane to her knees. The deafening silence made a lump form in Jane's throat, and just smiled at everyone there. The looks of compassion and respect were all so empowering to the Detective. Maura Isles has been a wonderful, powerful woman that was so amazing at her job that she could gather the entire department on one hill in October putting a tear in every eye out here. When the minute was over, Jane nodded at the group and took a knee in front of the Angel that still stood so beautifully over the hill.

"Look how many people came here to honor you Maur. You always thought you were uncared for and forgotten but this crowd proves otherwise. That's my girl, always drawing a crowd. I love you, my beautiful Doctor, and I will find you before I die; I swear on it.


	10. Chapter 10

I'm going to take a wee break from writing so I don't burn out, but you'll have chapter 11 by the end of the week :)

Just a warning, there's some body image qualms at the end of this chapter if that bothers any of you; it's not too bad but it's there nonetheless. Also a tad of romancing ;)

Maura Isles exited the Salon with tears in her eyes. She felt like herself again; she didn't realize what 4 years without doing your normal day-to-day habits could make you feel like an intruder in your own skin. Walking towards her call, Maura called Agent Clark via her sync; she hated talking and driving and refused to distract herself from driving the large vehicle.

"Call: Agent Clark"

"Calling Agent Clark on mobile" her car said back in the even tone Maura had learned to despise.

"Clark" the Agent barked into the phone, making Maura jump in her seat.

"Agent Clark, it's Maur-Marie, Marie Carlson." Maura said fumbling over wording. Even if she felt like Maura again, she couldn't break her cover.

"Ah. Marie. Are you doing well? I haven't spoken to you in a while"

"I'm doing alright, but I'm curious as to why I'm still under. I'm tired of living out here Clark; I need a reprieve. There have been no attempts on my life since the shooting, and I'm going fucking insane" Marie yelled through the speakers on her dash. "If you guys don't let me leave here and go back to Boston, you will lose track of me and never find me again" Which one do you think looks better for you?"

"Jesus Christ Marie, do you think I'm a miracle worker? It's not my decision where you live. I'm in charge of making sure that you are safe. If you want to quit on your own accord, there's people to talk to and paperwork to fill out. You can try all that you want, but you're not going anywhere for a few months to a year. Would you like an email to give you the paperwork and the number of the office you can call?"

"Yes please, I am trying as hard as I possibly can to leave; this isn't going well and I fear for my mental state" Marie said flatly. "I want to be Maura again, and I will stop at nothing to be her again."

"Well I'll get that to you when I can; I'm a pretty busy fellow. Bye Ms. Carlson, have a pleasant week"

After hanging up with him, Marie slammed her fists on her steering wheel; not even bothering to stop the tears the started to flow. She was frustrated; she wanted an out. She wanted to go home to her family, to her friends, to her job, to her Jane. Jane was all she could think of seeing. Marie hoped that she would be able to go back to her life before Jane forgot about her; that became a bigger worry for her longer she stayed in Denver as Marie.

Deciding to go home, Marie turned onto the freeway and sighed. She didn't know if she could wait for all the paperwork to go through, she didn't have the connections she used to in Boston and she didn't want to face federal charges for disobeying the Government. Pulling into her driveway, Marie let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding.

Checking her phone, she saw that Clark had sent her the email and to her her dismay, the attachment was about 1,000 pages that had to fill out and sign. Marie unlocked her door and walked inside her empty home; even Bass wasn't making an effort to do anything. Throwing her phone on the couch, the blonde sat down a huff; this would be quite the ordeal and she needed a beer before she could handle it all.

Grabbing Blue Moon out of her scarcely loaded refrigerator, Marie plopped down in an oversized armchair. She had started out the day so motivated, and yet she was so discouraged right now and she needed to take the edge off before she did something she would regret-again.

Taking a drink of her beer, Maura opened her laptop and saw that she had left her e-dating profile up. She never had looked through the women in Boston.

Clicking around she saw a profile called "RolyPolyRizzo" and gasped audibly. Maura's hands started to shake and she debated whether or not to break down every barrier she had ever built around herself and click on that link that could potentially change her life. She pondered her options for another a minute or two and decided to just do it.

She clicked on the blue link and waited for the page to load. She could hear her heartbeat pounding in her ears as the page loaded. It looked like it had been made quite a few years ago, maybe 10 based upon the interests and the photo; Jane had probably forgotten it had existed. Maura was disappointed again; she had risked being scolded by the Feds for a profile that was out of date and inaccurate.

Heartbroken that she had failed once again, Maura polished off her beer and set in on the table next to her. She needed a nap; and another beer.

"You've reached the residence of Dr. Marie Carlson, please leave a message if it's rather important."

"Beep"

"Marie? Hey, It's Nancy at work; you haven't shown up in a few days and I'm just checking in. I know I've called like 25 times the past 5 days but you haven't responded; other than you 'saw' my iMessage earlier this week. If you don't answer me by tonight I'm gonn-BEEP"

Groaning at the light shining through her window, Marie Carlson picked herself off of her floor where she seemingly had passed out the night before. The blonde stood up and made her way to the restroom where she promptly disposed of everything she had eaten in past few days into the porcelain bowl. She didn't remember what day it was; who fucking cared anymore?

Looking into the mirror, Marie didn't even recognize herself. Her light blonde hair had about 2 inches of darker new growth and her face was gaunt and pale. She really had let herself go; she had been waiting for the fuckin Government of the fucking United States of ridiculous America so grant her permission to leave this godforsaken state of Colorado so she could go to Boston legally.

It had been almost six years; six fucking years since she'd seen Jane and almost six fucking years since she'd been happy. Glancing over at her shower, she decided to get in; maybe a hot shower would sober her up and make her relax. She had an appointment at 4 with Agent Clark to ask about her papers and it was about 11, she had some time on her hands.

Stripping herself naked, Marie checked out her physique in the mirror. She hated herself; this is not who she was supposed to be. Her hip bones protruded in a grotesque manner and her stomach was stretched too thin. She couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten and she really didn't care. Her hair hung in chunks around her face like dreadlocks, and her eyes were red and bloodshot. She was a hot fucking mess and she didn't give a singular shit.

Hating how she looked, Marie stepped into the hot spray of her shower. Looking down at her feet, she felt the shame and embarrassment of what she'd become sink it. She was drinking heavily every spare minute and for someone who only ever drank wine in small amounts, her body was certainly unhappy with her change in diet. Washing her hair and doing her general hygiene regimens, Marie shivered as the water started running cold. Stepping out of the shower, she grabbed the towel hanging off the rack and just stared at herself in the mirror. It was like this hideous creature in front of her was just mocking how hard she had worked to get her life back; only to be derailed and pushed around by the very same people who were supposed to be protecting her.

She figured by now Jane had moved on with her life and was settled down with a nice lady like she'd always wanted. She probably had two kids and a fuckin white fence around a mid-sized house with a mid-sized family. The one thing she missed most of all was the feeling of the Rizzoli Sunday Dinners; the food, the company, and the sense of belonging were most of the reasons she was still alive even today.

Finding something suitable to wear that didn't hang off her tiny frame, Marie threw on a hat, suddenly ashamed of the state of her hair. Maura Isles would be downright mortified to have any roots visible, but she never had colored her hair before her time in WitSec. She really didn't want to go to this meeting, but this was the final indicator whether she got to go home or not. If they Feds told her that they needed more time to "investigate" her case, she couldn't guarantee that there would be next time; she was dying slowly on the inside and there really was no way to stop it.

Marie got into her car; frowning at how cluttered it had become with water bottles (that never actually held any 'water') and gum wrappers to mask the smell. How could she be doing this to herself; what would Jane say? Would Jane even speak to her if she knew the things she'd done to herself?

She decided to take the long way to the Federal building; she needed a drive to clear her mind before she got any news. Turning the radio on, "American Pie" came on and she sighed with a smile on her face. This song always made her realize that her life could be so much worse. She cried every time she heard this song, remembering how she and Jane had danced to this on the rooftop of BPD on their first date, and how they had made love to this song just a few months later. Letting herself drift into thought, the Doctor let herself indulge in the memory of that very night.

Fingertips traced around her hip, leaving goosebumps in their wake. They made their way over her stomach, and circled around the other hip eventually skimming over her torso and making their way back to their original destination. Maura was shivering with anticipation; Jane knew that she was more of a sensual lover in the morning. Those very fingertips traced up her spine and settled underneath her chin. Tilting her head to accept the kisses from her lover, the blonde let her hand explore the slopes and valleys of the Detective who was lying bare across from her.

Maura just stopped and looked at her for a minute because in that moment, the tall, angular frame of Jane Rizzoli, bathed in early morning sunlight, was the most arousing and angelic image Maura had ever seen. Greater than any work of art, or any masterpiece, her bedmate was the finest example of natural beauty she'd ever seen.

Maura scooted closer, closing the gap between them and let her hand wander south towards the spot she loved the most. Never losing eye contact, she heard Jane's breath speed up and her cheeks became flushed. Leaning forward to capture her Detective's lips, Maura bucked her hips and entered her girlfriend. Feeling the moaning of her partner vibrate on her lips, she nibbled Jane's bottom lip and looked down at the wandering hand belonging to the woman next to her. Feeling Jane tickle her thighs, Maura complied with the request and parted her legs, allowing for herself to be touched in the same way she was touching.

Hearing Jane mutter sweet nothings under her breath, Maura shifted her attention to the neck of her lover, which was sure to send her over that delicious edge. Lightly blowing and biting below her ear, she heard the noises to indicate that her lover was nearing climax. Maura kept her pace, feeling her body warm up; ready to make that journey with Jane.

As they both moved over the edge, they tumbled together. Limbs and hearts tangled, the pair fell from their grace and landed back into their bed, merging into one piece. They fell asleep; arms, legs, and souls intertwined. They made their journey into slumber together, like they would make every journey thereafter.

Snapping out of her memory, Marie realized that she was at the building and had been parked for some times without any memories of her drive there. She was becoming more and more lax with her life and it really bothered her.

She entered the facility with little to problems; they guard at the gate had to do a double take when he looked at her I.D.; that was kinda sad. She knew she had changed, but in the 6 years she had been in Denver she had come to know most of the personnel and it was weird that one couldn't recognize her.

Walking towards Agent Clark's office, Marie rapped on the door once and made her way inside. Sitting in a chair facing his desk, she noted the box on his desk labeled Mi2mc and wondered if it had anything to do with her; those were her initials. Before she had a chance to think about it any further, Agent Clark walked in with a file and black plastic bag.

"Well Maura it's nice to see you today, you look like shit" Clark said with a small smile; he'd been waiting for this moment for a while

"Wait, Maura?" Marie said confused, "Wait, you called me Maura, does that mean?"

"Yes Ma'am, the verdict came back yesterday; you can go back to Boston under federal supervision. You have to stay in the city of Boston for a whole calendar year without any visitors so we can monitor you. You do realize though, that everyone there think you're dead though; you may want to have a backup plan in case your peers don't take too well to this. Do you agree to these terms, Doctor Maura Isles?" Clark said with a smile; he knew that she wouldn't have taken lightly to a negative decision so he had done all that he could to convince his bosses to let her go.

Maura just beamed with tears in her eyes, nodding her head she initialed the papers finalizing her discharge and stood up. Clark handed her the black band and scooted the box towards her. Maura couldn't help but give the large man a hug (with and extra squeeze) and turn and walk out the door with a feeling of joy mixed with fear. She had been a slave to the feds for six whole years. What would she do now that was free to do as she pleased? Her first stop was obvious: she needed to get her terrible hair fixed and pack up her house. She was going home, if that home still existed.


	11. Chapter 11

Maura,

This is the last time I plan on writing you; I just need to let you go. I have been waiting for you for six years, six long years. I know you're alive; not a single soul believes me anymore. Frankie stopped coming around; I really only see him on Sundays and all he does is ignore me. Ma tries to pretend like she's still on my side but I still see the looks they give me. My work is slipping and Maura, that's the last straw. You can take my pride, you can take my life, but you can't take my job. Without my job, I am nothing. If I am nothing, then I cease to exist. So, I'm making a hard decision and deciding to let you go. You don't want to be found Maura and I'm going to stop looking. I love you more than life itself; but right now I just need to try and live again. I'll never forget you, and I'll never love another.

-Jay

Jane set the pen down and rubbed her hands. After six years, her hands still cramped up after using them. Looking around her room, Jane counted all 26 notebooks all full of letters to Maura. Sighing to herself, Jane rose from the couch she had been sitting in for two hours. Two hours sitting, thinking about how she was going to say goodbye to Maura, the soul mate she no longer was willing to look for.

Hearing her phone vibrate, Jane walked over to her table and reached underneath to grab the device that she had thrown on the floor the night before. Jane was defeated; a walking shell. Sifting through various notifications, Jane stopped and saw that she had a missed call from Korsak. This was serious; ever since Frost had taught the older man how to text a few years ago that's all he had done. Tapping the icon for voicemail, Jane listened to her old partner speak.

"Hey, Janie-er Jane. I know that you generally don't like to be bothered on this day, but Frost and I have hit a dead end on the Andover case and we really need you to try and interview the kid again; see where she wa-ah is that? No. Is it? Jane I gotta go but call me"

Jane immediately became suspicious and decided that part of saying goodbye to Maura, was working on a day that she had taken off of work for the past 6 years. She gathered her belongings and cast Jo a look; she was snuggled on the couch looking at Jane like she couldn't get out of here any faster. Asshole.

Grabbing a banana, Jane ran out of the house. It had been a year since she had moved back into their house. Well, it was more Jane's house now; Angela had needed to get some space after her and Jane had a falling out of over whether Maura was among the living or not. So, she lived in this big house on Beacon Hill all by herself. Sometimes the boys stopped by, but Frankie had made Detective and was currently undercover with Vice and Tommy had gotten a job as a construction worker and was too tired most nights to do anything but care for T.J.

She really had drifted away from everyone and it was her damned obsession with Maura that was responsible for most of it.

Jane navigated her way through the streets of Boston and eventually came to a stop in front of BPD. Giving herself a mental check, Jane walked into the building and quietly gasped as everyone just silently stared at her. What? Was she wearing an old shirt, did her pits stink? Making her way to the cafe, the Detective saw her mother looking as white as the bodies she generally dealt with. Jane ran to her mother and grabbed onto her ice cold arms, making eye contact with Angela, Jane whispered, "Ma, what's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost?"

"That's because she has" Jane heard a voice behind her, turning around she saw Lt. Cavanaugh motion for her to follow him to his office. Something wasn't right; Jane wondered if she was about to get bad news. Had she been slacking? She knew that she had been distracted for a while but she had moved on in her life. She no longer talked about the beautiful honey blonde with hazel eyes so full of love and joy; it only made everyone upset and awkward around her.

Jane had moved past the silent stage; all that she wanted to do was tell everyone about this light in her life that had changed her so much! She wanted every human on this planet to appreciate the beauty that is Dr. Maura Dorthea Isles. But, alas the subject was well worn with the people in her life.

Walking into the office, Jane sat down in a chair as the Lieutenant paced his office. Finally after what seemed like minutes, he sat down the edge of his desk and put his head in his hands.

"Rizzoli, there's been a new break in your case" Cavanaugh said rubbing the bridge of his nose, trying to stop the impending headache that was quickly approaching.

"Which case? I have 3 open and 6 moving into cold-"

"No" Sean interjected "YOUR case, the Isles shooting, it's been closed"

Jane sat there slack-jawed; no words came out. Closed? That would mean Maura was..no.

No

No

No

Feeling her walls cave in, Jane turned on her heel, hung her head so no one would see her tears, and jerked to the door open as hard as she could, flinging herself into something solid. Flying backwards Jane reached out automatically steadying the person she was knocking over.

This is familiar.

That scent, those eyes, those waves, the curve of the hip, the dimple, the gasp, the…her. her love, her smile, her legs, her face- goddamn that perfect angelic face that sent shivers down spines and put smiles on face everywhere.

"I'm sorry; excuse me-oh oh oh my" Maura whispered, her trembling hands finding Jane's arms that had wrapped around her waist to stop her fall. "It's you. Is it really you?"

"It's uh…It's..ah" Jane looked wide eyed around the room which everyone seemed to have evacuated. "You're not dead. I'm right; I was right"


	12. Chapter 12

A/N This is the last chapter, but there's an epilogue in the works so sit tight. :D

Stopping for gas at a 7-11 in Davenport, Iowa, Maura looked around. There was a lot of traffic, contrary to what Maura assumed was in the farming state. She had been driving for nearly 14 hours and she needed a break to clear her head and walk around a bit. She used her GPS to find a restaurant open at this hour. After sifting through the multitude of fast food options, Maura decided on Ross' Diner; it was on the way to the interstate and the reviews seemed positive.

Driving the couple blocks towards the restaurant, the blonde stopped and looked out at the sky; she couldn't see the stars as well as she could in Denver, and the elevation change was making her feel a little sick. She parked her SUV and walked in, greeting the older waitress and taking her seat in a little booth that was obviously meant for couples.

She was nervous, she hated being nervous. She was about to walk into a life that she hadn't had for 6 years. A lot can happen in 6 years; she had nothing to show for those years other than a higher tolerance for tequila and a failed relationship. She wondered if Jane had moved on, gotten married, had children..had a life..without her. Pushing those thoughts out of her head, Maura sipped at her hot coffee and smiled when the nice waitress brought her the cutest strawberry shortcake she'd ever seen. She still had about 15 more hours of driving, and she had wanted to get there in a day; she was impatient yet terrified to see what Boston would look like.

Sighing, Maura threw some bills on the table and made her way outside, it was now 3 a.m. and she needed to start driving or she was gonna lose her edge from her coffee. She climbed in a bunkered down for the next leg of her trip. Judging by the weather conditions, she should arrive in the Boston area around 6 or 7 p.m. giving her time to rest and shower before making her way to BPD to await the details of her "case"

Maura drove for what seemed like years, stopping here and there for gas a light snacks; careful not to eat too large of a meal so she would be able to fight the urge for sleep. Finally she pulled into the State of Massachusetts and heaved a mental sigh of relief, she had found her home state and now she was closer than ever to getting reacquainted with the love of her life. She had a reservation at a hotel in Worcester so she could rest, hopefully by the next day some of her initial fear would melt away.

Her hotel was lovely, but lonely. The weather was dreary; the occasional drizzle make its presence known as Maura drug her overnight bags into her room. Glancing at the clock, Maura saw that it was half past 8, much later than she had anticipated arriving here. She lay on the queen sized bed and decided that a cat nap wouldn't hurt; she was going to have to get her sleep schedule back on track anyways. Thoughts of her past kept her from sleeping too soundly but when the Doctor awoke, the sun was shining and birds were singing.

"Mother..phooey" Maura yelled taking in her surroundings; she felt like she had gone 10 rounds with a giant. Assuming it was almost 8:00 a.m. by the sun location, she jumped into the shower, scrambling and dropping the hotel toiletries like a bumbling fool. Sleeping, if you could call it that, apparently had not abated her nerves in the least bit. Today she would be learning where she would go from here in life, assuming that the general public would treat her with respect over a decision that wasn't really hers to be made. Most of all, today she would most likely see former co-workers that she missed terribly and quite possibly the new M.E. would be on her list as well. That would be very awkward to say the least.

With a pathetic mew, Maura got out of the shower and rumbled around her bags for something to wear, upset because she had fell asleep before having the chance to hang up her clothes. Giving up on looking respectable in lieu of time, Maura decided on a Gucci lbd that worked with almost anything.

She quickly packed her bags, made the bed, and turned off all the lights. Making her way to the front desk, she nodded silently at the clerk. When he took her credit card, he looked perturbed and asked for an I.D. Maura handed him her license and he dropped them on the counter. Deciding to forego a scene, Maura grabbed her cards and left the boy looking like he'd seen a ghost. Technically he had, but the Doctor was in no shape to explain what had happened when the whole world would know in a matter of hours. It was kind of tempting to be in that limbo, the space between life and death; she could disappear and no one would notice a thing.

She pulled up to BPD a few hours later. Most of the force would be on their lunch breaks, so she entered in the front door. The place looked the same with the except of the rookies she didn't know guarding the door. She looked around in shock and spotted the Division One cafe, a pang of hurt rolling through there knowing a family was in there mourning her. She sucked up her pride and and walked into the cafe, smiling brightly when she spotted Angela Rizzoli bickering with a very gray haired Stanley over the temperature of the coffee carafes. She gingerly walked towards the frazzled mother and politely asked "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I-I've had quite a drive, do you guys still have Mochas?"

"Yes we do, do you want a small, medium, or oh-?!" Angela answered dropping the coffee pots she was holding to cover her mouth with both of her trembling hands. "M-Maura..you're dead. No, Jane said-no." Angela turned away and ran into the back room as Maura just hung her head at the scene. Sauntering away, the Doctor made her way to the homicide unit, she had to see Jane first. She knew that it wasn't rational and she knew it wasn't okay but fuck it all, Maura Isles was done following rules she didn't agree to and damn it all if anyone intercepted her.

She didn't see the trail of looks she left as she blazed her way to elevator, she didn't see the forlorn looks of sadness, she didn't see the tears in men's eyes, she didn't see the contorted faces in the people she used to pass every day. She didn't see anything but her destination. Getting fed up with waiting for the elevator, Maura opted for the stairs. She stopped in the first stairwell and fought the pending anxiety creeping into her chest. Just 78 hours ago, she had been Marie Carlson, and now she was Maura Isles again. She had every single thing that she had wanted, and she wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to see her and be rejected like she was by Angela. If Jane rejected her, then would she have come back? She needed something to push her.

Reaching into her clutch, Maura pulled out the ticket to the Sox game she had gone to years ago to quell her fears. She remembered waiting until the game had started so she could go sit with the Boston fans; she remembered jumping up and down with strangers when someone hit a home run. She remembered being so proud of herself for knowing that it was called a home run and not a goal; she remembered it all.

Gathering her pride once more, Maura made the trek into the homicide room and saw Frost and Korsak leaning towards the windows of Cavanaugh's (if the Lieutenant even worked there still) office. The Doctor set her shoulders, lifted her head, and walked towards the door ready to make her entrance. While she was gained speed, she looked to the side and caught Korsak's eye. Winking at the older gentleman, Maura grinned and gave him a small wave. Turning her head just in time, she felt herself being thrown down. She looked up to see falling forwards and catching Maura around the waist to steady them both.

"I'm-"The apology died on Jane's lips when she spotted just who she had ran down in a fury.

Maura took a moment to take in the unbridled beauty that was Detective Jane Rizzoli. She let her eyes wander over those big brown eyes, slightly red from the tears that threatened to spill over. She let her vision trail down her angular face and down to the perfect lips that held all the secrets that kept Maura's heart beating. She paused; Jane was speaking but she couldn't make out the words being said. Her heartbeat was racing, and her vision was blurring. She couldn't keep her emotions in check anymore as she did the one thing that she had wanted to do for 6 fucking torturous years.

She kissed Jane Rizzoli, and the Detective kissed her back.

**Lemme know what you think!**


	13. Epilogue

"It looks the same; I didn't think it would, honestly"

"I couldn't bear to change it, Ma actually lived here for the first two year; I couldn't step foot in here without collapsing." a gravelly voice said.

"Jane, I'm so sorry; I don't even know the words to communicate just how sorry I am. I know this will take some time for us to get over. I can sleep in the guest room, I can-"

"Maura, no! It's not like that. I just need some time to process. You've been back in my life for approximately 4 hours and I need to get used to that" Jane said, cupping the blonde's face, placing a sweet kiss on those lips that held so much history, so many secrets.

"Mmm...as much as I adore your affection, Detective, I adore doing it in private- out of the eyes of neighbors that don't need to know that I'm in town yet. The press conference is tomorrow; until then I'm yours. I don't need any questions from people that I'm not ready to see" Maura purred into Jane's ear, her arms making their way around the lithe body of the Detective that she missed.

Jane opened the door and scooted inside, pulling Maura's bags in and setting them on the floor in the foyer. She scooped her Doctor up, wrapped her beautiful legs around her torso and carried her to the kitchen. Setting her down, Jane kissed Maura with everything she had. Her hands wandered up and down the Doctors toned back.

"Maura, let's take our time" Jane said breathlessly "I've only just got you back, and I don't want to rush into anything. Let's just order in, snuggle, and watch some boring documentary like we used to.

"We can try Jane, but things will be different; I've done some bad things since we've last seen each other. Jane, I slept with a man..for a whole year trying to replace the hole in my heart, I drank excessively, I was a slu-"

"Maura, Maur- I had a one night stand in a bathroom with a man I hadn't met, I don't even remember it. We've done some shitty things trying to cope. I've changed, you've changed. But, our love has not. We can learn to love who we are now. Deep, very deep down inside, we are the same people that we fell in love with and we will eventually be those people again. We just need to let ourselves be loved again. We just need to love, and be loved" Jane said breathlessly, touching her forehead to Maura's, looking into those beautiful hazel eyes she had fallen in love with more than 6 years prior. They could do this.

Maura tried to speak but found herself overcome with emotion. Instead she just nodded; this was so surreal, she wondered if she was even here right now. She had been so sad mere days ago and to experience this sort of happiness was something she had never thought was possible again. She kissed Jane one last time and slid off the counter. She grabbed her loves hand and dragged them over to the couch, the couch that had housed so many memories, and they both sat down. Wringing her hands Maura tried her best to speak the feelings that were building inside

"I love you Jane, I had loved you for years before I had even told you and I cannot even fathom what would have happened if I had never told you. I took you and our life for granted and I will . " Maura said placing little kisses on Jane's hands in between her words. "Let's start the movie and enjoy this quiet night before our lives become frenzy tomorrow. I've waited 6 years to feel your arms around me and I plan on them being there for every year to come"

Jane just merged their hands into her lap and smiled, her trademark dimples glowing in the candlelight of the darkened room. She pushed Maura back into the couch and just snuggled in next to her, the movie forgotten. She wanted this to last forever; she had her soul mate back after everything she had done. She had done things that had shamed her for years. She had cried on Maura's gravestone, and driven around a Prius that didn't match her stony, sad personality. She had done those things because for 6 years she had been stuck in a life that she did not want.

She had been so unhappy that now she felt as if she were flying, she was the luckiest woman on earth. She had gotten her life back that she had fought tooth and nail to keep. It had taken 6 years but in those years she had realized that she had taken her life for granted and she would never do that again. All it took was 6 years.


End file.
